The Russian delegation made a strong statement on the issue claiming that they will “heroically hunt down the perpetrators with great prejudice.” This statement clearly angered someone seeing as moments later there was yet another poisoning attempt made on the Delegates life! The representative of South Africa expressed that although this was unfortunate death should be no barrier to including the Russian delegation in debate.
As the Russian Delegate recovered from their ordeal they read out a statement from Putin “while other nations are playing checkers, Russia is playing chess”, to which the POTUS replies that he is in fact “playing backgammon”.
An update on the situation reveals that Russia claims to have apprehended the kidnappers and retrieved American diplomat however they were unfortunately all dead and “mutilated beyond recognition” although they offer to pay for a lavish “shirt-optional” funeral for the american politician. Various military measures are being taken by the nation's of Kazakhstan and Russia and the situation only continues to escalate. The US response by breaking off all trade relations with Russia, and the Dominican Republic has closed all embassies globally. The delegate of South Africa, in despair suggests that perhaps nuking the world is the answer. The Dominican Republic quietly opens donations for what is “totally not a bomb shelter”.
In closing remarks Russia believes that a cordial agreement has been made between nations. This statement is slightly undermined by a South African operation codenamed DEAD (destroy everyone and die) to nuke Russia that was quickly vetoed by the power in question. A thrilling end to the saga of controversy and the conference as a whole.